So here I go again.
I am preparing to go through another cycle of IVF and my worries and fears are innumerable.
All I can do is pray my way through it and hope for the best.
~M
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Moving forward
All good things are happening. Went to my sister-in-law's baby shower today (this is baby #11 for her) and I actually had a really good time! I wasn't jealous or upset at all. Thank God for that. :)
We have been waiting to get the all clear before moving ahead with round #2 of IVF because in January I had some labwork done that showed an elevated kidney (creatinine) level and Doc. wanted to check it again in 3 months. Well, it got checked again this past week and guess what? NORMAL. Right back where they were before...and my doctor said the only thing he can think of is that the lab just screwed up. Thanks a lot LAB! I have been freaking out the past 3 months thinking about kidney transplants and dialysis! SO thankful to hear that everything is in perfect working order and I'm going to call early next week to make an appt. with our RE.
Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies...look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies... :)
We have been waiting to get the all clear before moving ahead with round #2 of IVF because in January I had some labwork done that showed an elevated kidney (creatinine) level and Doc. wanted to check it again in 3 months. Well, it got checked again this past week and guess what? NORMAL. Right back where they were before...and my doctor said the only thing he can think of is that the lab just screwed up. Thanks a lot LAB! I have been freaking out the past 3 months thinking about kidney transplants and dialysis! SO thankful to hear that everything is in perfect working order and I'm going to call early next week to make an appt. with our RE.
Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies...look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies... :)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It hurts
I am trying so hard to be optimistic and happy...but this experience has forever changed me. Before IVF, I remember feeling depressed sometimes because we were not pregant yet and could not get pregnant on our own. I remember feeling jealous of people who had kids or were pregnant. But - I still felt pretty "normal" in my own skin!
These days, I'm lost in a sea of depression, anxiety and hopelessness...with brief flashes of hope.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! Everything was all hope and optimism until about 9 weeks when the heart palpitations started. I am talking every day, all day long feeling like my heart was skipping beats. It didn't damage me at all physically (multiple ekg's, chest x-ray, holter monitor & bloodwork has confirmed that) but it seriously messed with me mentally. Still...after a while, I learned to accept them as part of my pregnancy. I still had some days where they were worse than others but it was usually due to heat, exhaustion or dehydration, but I didn't care, I knew I was okay and I was pregnant, hallelujah! Well...here is my story of what happened at exactly 19 weeks on a Saturday morning.
----------------------------
It had been the year of joy - joy that after praying and begging God for a child, we had been blessed. We were actually expecting a half John-half Melissa hybrid and we were overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation!
The beginning of the pregnancy was a bit rough for me. I was really tired for a while and didn't feel like doing much, then I started with heart palpitations which were really more of an annoyance than anything. Eventually, I was comfortable enough to venture out of the house for a long weekend in NYC with family!
I worked a long day on Friday, hopped in the car with John and we drove to Williamsburg in NYC. I was exhausted by the time we got there and couldn't wait to go to sleep. It was not a restful night for me at all...I woke up often and I was still pretty tired in the morning. Still, I was excited to get out and enjoy some time in the city.
As I got out of the shower, I went to go to the bathroom and I could feel Something Not Quite Right happening. There was the sensation that something was actually being birthed?? I felt the something and the closest I can compare it to would be a water ballon about the size of a grape. I got a chill and began to worry. I called my midwife's office right away and waited for the on-call doctor to contact me. He did, minutes later, and when I described what I had felt, he told me to go to the ER right away.
Just before we left, I felt something more, ran to the bathroom and...blood. Now I was scared. I said out loud, "Oh God Nooo!" and we were out the door.
Cramps began on the way to the hospital. I lay in the car watching the tops of buildings & bridges through the window and praying that our baby was okay. There was no parking at the ER, so I had to go in alone while John went to park the car.
Pregnant, 19 weeks, bleeding, cramps is what I wrote on the admission slip they handed me. The clerk reads it and says, "4th floor, labor & delivery, now." I go upstairs, more paperwork, finally, a room.
I lay there waiting for them to get me into their computer system so that they could do an ultrasound and listen for a heartbeat. Also I waited for John...hoping he would find me easily.
He walked through the door and I felt instantly calmer...but I could see he had been crying. I hated to see him that upset.
They picked up a heartbeat in the 150's and then did an ultrasound. I could see the heart beating and I saw a little arm wave. Then I hear one doc say to another, "myoma"? I started to worry...(now I know that's just a fancy word for a uterine fibroid which I do NOT have). They left the room and said they'd be back.
I feel a cramp and something coming...I tell John to get the Dr. She comes back, inserts a speculum and opens it, then immediately closes and pulls it out. She says it was not a fibroid they saw, it was the amniotic sac, which is now on it's way out of my body. This, she tells us, means the baby is coming today, it is inevitable.
I didn't cry. I was in shock, I was scared, I was confused. I didn't grasp the magnitude of what was happening right away. They left us again.
Another hard cramp and no matter how hard I try to hold it in, I can't. I tell John get the Dr. again, something is coming out and as she runs in the room, here comes my amniotic sac onto the bed. Still full, still partially inside me with the baby. They say they don't want to break it, they want to let everything come out together if possible. I am left again...with a bag of amniotic fluid between my legs...waiting, cramping, thinking.
The bed was incredibly uncomfortable and I kept asking when they were moving me. Finally I was wheeled to room 4 on the 4th floor and as I went to slide over to the next bed...I felt a warm gush of fluid all the way up my back and down my legs to my knees. They say the sac is completely ruptured. I am moved to the new, slightly more comfortable, bed and left to wait once again.
Cramping, silence, tears, more cramping, Doctors, Nurses, blood, cramping, what do I do?, push, pain, fire, more pain. I hear "Fetal parts, I think it's the scapula." I push and my tiny, perfect son comes out of me...21 weeks too early. I catch a glimpse of his little head as the Doctor whisks him across the room to a waiting bassinet. He is lifeless without me and there's nothing that can be done. This is when it all hit me. Right then. I cried. I covered my face and wept...it was over.
After this, I lost a lot of blood. We waited to see whether I would need a surgical procedure to remove the placenta. Thankfully, after about a liter of blood and clots (sorry to be graphic) coming out...the placenta came out all on its own. I thank God that everything went as smoothly as it did.
We now were left to spend a little time with our baby. A boy. We knew it was a boy. :) As my husband and I sit there with our son...we are filled with a sadness I have never felt. Look, he is so perfect! The little arms and legs, the toenails and fingernails...the ears, nose, lips. Look at what we have made. Why is he here so early...why is he dead?
We name him. Calvin Andre Magario. Calvin means bald and, "Well", John said, "He is bald." We smile sadly at one another but agree, he is definitely our Calvin. <3 We took some pictures...and waited.
The nurse takes our boy to clean him and take footprints. We cried. We hugged. We were silent.
Our baby is back and once again, we are left to spend time alone with him. This time, we take lots of pictures and when we feel as though we have said goodbye, I watched my husband take the small bundled purple blanket and delicately place it into the bassinet. Shortly after that, the nurse came...and Calvin was gone for good.
About now is when John's sister Theresa and her boyfriend Hugo came into the room. I thank God that they were there for/with us. As John said, we were in a strange land and it felt so good to have them there with us. Hugo is a supremely nice human being. He took the responsibility of taking care of the car...the meter was a hungry beast and demanded to be fed TWO DOLLARS EVERY HOUR. He brought John some pizza when he was hungry and he and Theresa also brought John some lemon pound cake and gave us waters when they got there. I was in a strange state of mind and at the time, all I wanted to do was talk about what happened. I told Theresa and Hugo details...maybe some of which were too graphic or they didn't want to hear...but I needed to get it out. They listened and were loving and supportive.
We waited to be discharged...9pm. Eyes of pity all over me as I left the Labor & Delivery unit of the hospital. Theresa and Hugo went to get the car as John and I waited outside the ER. I sat on the steps, buried my face in John's thigh and wept. We went back to T&H's to grab our things and headed home that night.
This past week, there have been many tears but also many blessings. We know that we are truly loved and cared about by our family, church family and friends. I know we will never forget out precious baby boy...but we are beginning to feel better and look toward the future. We have had a fantastic weekend filled with laughter and smiles (and few tears) and we both head back to work tomorrow. I feel ready. God has been merciful, patient, kind and loving to us all week. We have prayed for healing and strength and peace and He has delivered. Thank you Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.
We are certain we will try again to have a baby. When is the question. They say a minimum of 2-3 months, but we are thinking possibly January. Yet, if November comes and we are ready, we will go for it. :) I know we will have a family one day.
Oh...a tidbit. I am pretty sure that the reason this happened was IC (Incompetent Cervix). It is rare, but some women...around 4 months + of pregnancy, when the uterus starts to get heavy, have their cervix begin to thin. There is often no warning until it is too late and the amniotic sac is protruding. That is what happened to me. The good news is that the next time I get pregnant, they will monitor me from early on and if it looks like the cervix is shortening or thinning at all...I will either be put on bed rest, possibly in the hospital, OR they can do a cerclage which is a stitch put in the cervix to keep it closed. It is painless to have done, relatively safe, and stays there until 37 weeks. I will demand to be watched like a hawk next time because I do not want this to ever happen again.
----------------------------
Fast forward to end-of-March, almost April and I'm still not ready. My blood pressure was up for a few months after losing him, then I had a bout of anxiety where I felt like I couldn't breathe all the time for a month. I did more bloodwork, a stress test and the only thing they found was a slightly elevated kidney level but still within normal range. I go back in April and, God willing, I will get a normal result and the OK to go for round 2 of IVF. I am still feeling weird, especially around my periods...racing heart sometimes, anxiety - lots of it, palpitations very few and far between, usually around ovulation. I know my body and mind has been through quite an ordeal and I'm still waiting for full healing to come.
Went to the movies today to see "How to Train Your Dragon". LOVED the movie, DID NOT love being in a theater full of mommies, daddies and children. :(
And I just can't seem to keep asking God, "Why?"
These days, I'm lost in a sea of depression, anxiety and hopelessness...with brief flashes of hope.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic! Everything was all hope and optimism until about 9 weeks when the heart palpitations started. I am talking every day, all day long feeling like my heart was skipping beats. It didn't damage me at all physically (multiple ekg's, chest x-ray, holter monitor & bloodwork has confirmed that) but it seriously messed with me mentally. Still...after a while, I learned to accept them as part of my pregnancy. I still had some days where they were worse than others but it was usually due to heat, exhaustion or dehydration, but I didn't care, I knew I was okay and I was pregnant, hallelujah! Well...here is my story of what happened at exactly 19 weeks on a Saturday morning.
----------------------------
It had been the year of joy - joy that after praying and begging God for a child, we had been blessed. We were actually expecting a half John-half Melissa hybrid and we were overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation!
The beginning of the pregnancy was a bit rough for me. I was really tired for a while and didn't feel like doing much, then I started with heart palpitations which were really more of an annoyance than anything. Eventually, I was comfortable enough to venture out of the house for a long weekend in NYC with family!
I worked a long day on Friday, hopped in the car with John and we drove to Williamsburg in NYC. I was exhausted by the time we got there and couldn't wait to go to sleep. It was not a restful night for me at all...I woke up often and I was still pretty tired in the morning. Still, I was excited to get out and enjoy some time in the city.
As I got out of the shower, I went to go to the bathroom and I could feel Something Not Quite Right happening. There was the sensation that something was actually being birthed?? I felt the something and the closest I can compare it to would be a water ballon about the size of a grape. I got a chill and began to worry. I called my midwife's office right away and waited for the on-call doctor to contact me. He did, minutes later, and when I described what I had felt, he told me to go to the ER right away.
Just before we left, I felt something more, ran to the bathroom and...blood. Now I was scared. I said out loud, "Oh God Nooo!" and we were out the door.
Cramps began on the way to the hospital. I lay in the car watching the tops of buildings & bridges through the window and praying that our baby was okay. There was no parking at the ER, so I had to go in alone while John went to park the car.
Pregnant, 19 weeks, bleeding, cramps is what I wrote on the admission slip they handed me. The clerk reads it and says, "4th floor, labor & delivery, now." I go upstairs, more paperwork, finally, a room.
I lay there waiting for them to get me into their computer system so that they could do an ultrasound and listen for a heartbeat. Also I waited for John...hoping he would find me easily.
He walked through the door and I felt instantly calmer...but I could see he had been crying. I hated to see him that upset.
They picked up a heartbeat in the 150's and then did an ultrasound. I could see the heart beating and I saw a little arm wave. Then I hear one doc say to another, "myoma"? I started to worry...(now I know that's just a fancy word for a uterine fibroid which I do NOT have). They left the room and said they'd be back.
I feel a cramp and something coming...I tell John to get the Dr. She comes back, inserts a speculum and opens it, then immediately closes and pulls it out. She says it was not a fibroid they saw, it was the amniotic sac, which is now on it's way out of my body. This, she tells us, means the baby is coming today, it is inevitable.
I didn't cry. I was in shock, I was scared, I was confused. I didn't grasp the magnitude of what was happening right away. They left us again.
Another hard cramp and no matter how hard I try to hold it in, I can't. I tell John get the Dr. again, something is coming out and as she runs in the room, here comes my amniotic sac onto the bed. Still full, still partially inside me with the baby. They say they don't want to break it, they want to let everything come out together if possible. I am left again...with a bag of amniotic fluid between my legs...waiting, cramping, thinking.
The bed was incredibly uncomfortable and I kept asking when they were moving me. Finally I was wheeled to room 4 on the 4th floor and as I went to slide over to the next bed...I felt a warm gush of fluid all the way up my back and down my legs to my knees. They say the sac is completely ruptured. I am moved to the new, slightly more comfortable, bed and left to wait once again.
Cramping, silence, tears, more cramping, Doctors, Nurses, blood, cramping, what do I do?, push, pain, fire, more pain. I hear "Fetal parts, I think it's the scapula." I push and my tiny, perfect son comes out of me...21 weeks too early. I catch a glimpse of his little head as the Doctor whisks him across the room to a waiting bassinet. He is lifeless without me and there's nothing that can be done. This is when it all hit me. Right then. I cried. I covered my face and wept...it was over.
After this, I lost a lot of blood. We waited to see whether I would need a surgical procedure to remove the placenta. Thankfully, after about a liter of blood and clots (sorry to be graphic) coming out...the placenta came out all on its own. I thank God that everything went as smoothly as it did.
We now were left to spend a little time with our baby. A boy. We knew it was a boy. :) As my husband and I sit there with our son...we are filled with a sadness I have never felt. Look, he is so perfect! The little arms and legs, the toenails and fingernails...the ears, nose, lips. Look at what we have made. Why is he here so early...why is he dead?
We name him. Calvin Andre Magario. Calvin means bald and, "Well", John said, "He is bald." We smile sadly at one another but agree, he is definitely our Calvin. <3 We took some pictures...and waited.
The nurse takes our boy to clean him and take footprints. We cried. We hugged. We were silent.
Our baby is back and once again, we are left to spend time alone with him. This time, we take lots of pictures and when we feel as though we have said goodbye, I watched my husband take the small bundled purple blanket and delicately place it into the bassinet. Shortly after that, the nurse came...and Calvin was gone for good.
About now is when John's sister Theresa and her boyfriend Hugo came into the room. I thank God that they were there for/with us. As John said, we were in a strange land and it felt so good to have them there with us. Hugo is a supremely nice human being. He took the responsibility of taking care of the car...the meter was a hungry beast and demanded to be fed TWO DOLLARS EVERY HOUR. He brought John some pizza when he was hungry and he and Theresa also brought John some lemon pound cake and gave us waters when they got there. I was in a strange state of mind and at the time, all I wanted to do was talk about what happened. I told Theresa and Hugo details...maybe some of which were too graphic or they didn't want to hear...but I needed to get it out. They listened and were loving and supportive.
We waited to be discharged...9pm. Eyes of pity all over me as I left the Labor & Delivery unit of the hospital. Theresa and Hugo went to get the car as John and I waited outside the ER. I sat on the steps, buried my face in John's thigh and wept. We went back to T&H's to grab our things and headed home that night.
This past week, there have been many tears but also many blessings. We know that we are truly loved and cared about by our family, church family and friends. I know we will never forget out precious baby boy...but we are beginning to feel better and look toward the future. We have had a fantastic weekend filled with laughter and smiles (and few tears) and we both head back to work tomorrow. I feel ready. God has been merciful, patient, kind and loving to us all week. We have prayed for healing and strength and peace and He has delivered. Thank you Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you. Amen.
We are certain we will try again to have a baby. When is the question. They say a minimum of 2-3 months, but we are thinking possibly January. Yet, if November comes and we are ready, we will go for it. :) I know we will have a family one day.
Oh...a tidbit. I am pretty sure that the reason this happened was IC (Incompetent Cervix). It is rare, but some women...around 4 months + of pregnancy, when the uterus starts to get heavy, have their cervix begin to thin. There is often no warning until it is too late and the amniotic sac is protruding. That is what happened to me. The good news is that the next time I get pregnant, they will monitor me from early on and if it looks like the cervix is shortening or thinning at all...I will either be put on bed rest, possibly in the hospital, OR they can do a cerclage which is a stitch put in the cervix to keep it closed. It is painless to have done, relatively safe, and stays there until 37 weeks. I will demand to be watched like a hawk next time because I do not want this to ever happen again.
----------------------------
Fast forward to end-of-March, almost April and I'm still not ready. My blood pressure was up for a few months after losing him, then I had a bout of anxiety where I felt like I couldn't breathe all the time for a month. I did more bloodwork, a stress test and the only thing they found was a slightly elevated kidney level but still within normal range. I go back in April and, God willing, I will get a normal result and the OK to go for round 2 of IVF. I am still feeling weird, especially around my periods...racing heart sometimes, anxiety - lots of it, palpitations very few and far between, usually around ovulation. I know my body and mind has been through quite an ordeal and I'm still waiting for full healing to come.
Went to the movies today to see "How to Train Your Dragon". LOVED the movie, DID NOT love being in a theater full of mommies, daddies and children. :(
And I just can't seem to keep asking God, "Why?"
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